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I won’t lie: I rolled my eyes at the cover, but this is actually one of the better ones in the series (which is nice since we’re so deep in it at this point). The premise is that the daughter of a ride designer and her best friend get to go on a tour of a new ride that focuses on the Shock Street horror movies.

And it goes horribly wrong (as you could guess).

There was a clever misdirect in the beginning where the daughter asks if they should take her mother on the ride as well and the dad says something like “excuse me, young lady?” Like she did something wrong.

“The mom must be dead,” I thought. Then everything after that was based around that until the best friend keeps harping on the fact that all these monsters must be robots because the girl’s dad is so great at making them. Then the friend pulled the girl out of a mud pit with strong arms and I thought “he’s a robot!”

“A robot that was made to be the girl’s best friend after her mom died!”

But I was wrong. Well. Partially wrong. Both kids were robots. The reason it was suspicious when she asked about her mom is that she didn’t have a mother.

I’ll admit it: I was fooled.

When you sit back and think about it, it IS weird that the trial run of the ride to see if it’s the right level of scary was done with two robot kids because… they’re robots. What real data are they going to give? Also, don’t robots famously not have emotions?

I also wonder why the robots were allowed to live lives that were at LEAST normal enough that they went to movie theaters and watched movies. Or were the memories false the whole time?

I 👏🏼 have 👏🏼 ques 👏🏼 tions. 👏🏼

Still. A good one for sure.

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I love Tales From the Crypt. I have for my entire life ever since I saw the Crypt Keeper bust out of a coffin the HBO series being rerun on the USA network (ah, memories).

Later I found out they made junior novelizations of stories featured in even older comic books.

Those books…

Listen: people really latched onto fairy tales but I missed that boat. I wasn’t raised with actual morality tales with violent repercussions of missteps - I was raised on Disney.

So a comic series that had moral lessons framed in horror where people got their just desserts was… well, it was awesome.

And I think if people wanted to try to trace back my love of philosophy and ethics, it would start right there with TFtC.

It was also a really interesting part in comic book history because it basically inspired the witch hunt from lazy parents looking to blame an external source for their kids being dickheads. Which led to *shudder* Silver Age comics. Goofy stuff.

Anyway, I guess they rebooted the TFtC comic and I was really excited to read it.

But then I read it.

Yeesh.

I don’t know what’s so hard about morality tales. Almost every story feels more like it belonged in Mad Magazine, not a horror comic.

There is one exception. One story that actually had teeth, but it was a weird duck.

The premise was that a guy was being tormented over and over in the afterlife because (it turns out) he was a suicide bomber and the victims in the bus he blew up get to deal with him for eternity.

So I guess the moral is don’t blow up a bus - or at least not while you’re in it as well.

As much as I love TFtC, this feels like a big swing and a miss.

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Honestly, how could I read this on paper when Gunnar Hansen - THE ORIGINAL LEATHERFACE - offered to read it to me himself on audio?⁠

That's an offer I just can't refuse!⁠

My confession, though, is that even I'm big into horror, TCM never really... hooked me (I'll see myself out). It may have been because I came up on 80s slashers and TCM was just too brooding and atmospheric for my young junk-food brain to appreciate.⁠

This doesn't stop me from enjoying the hell out of this book or the trivia that's packed inside. I love learning stuff and this book offers a lot of insights into the filming process in general and the making of TCM specifically. When you get to the end and Hansen says he was going a little mad in real life, dancing with the chainsaw after weeks of being stuck inside that mask and suffering from heat exhaustion/stroke for so long, you feel it.⁠

If you like movies, behind the scenes books, horror, or TCM specifically, this is a fantastic book to check out.

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My is brief/won't spoil, to spread good, great, & spectacular far & wide.

THIS WRETCHED VALLEY by Jenny Kiefer is one of the most satisfying and scary "survival horror" books I've read. Innocent adventuring quickly ricochets into a Thin Place nightmare where weird wilderness & horrors run amok. It's creepy, fast-paced, and a fantastic, fun book to get lost in. (Quirk Books)

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